Almost horrible

Warning this may cause some visual images unsuitable for all audiences.

I saw something happen yesterday that was almost horrible. I was walking back from getting my haircut by Regina at Astor Barber somewhat preoccupied by how good I looked. And as I strolled down the street I saw a mass of humanity approaching.

It turned out to be 2 women, the skinny one was maybe 160, and the other was perhaps 185, although it’s hard to tell after a certain point. The big one also had a little white bundle of arms and eyes strapped to her chest, presumably her offspring.

As they got closer apparently they too were distracted by my haircut, and the baby-bearer stumbled on the ever uneven sidewalk. In slow motion all four arms flailed, both heads bobbed, and everyone involved, except the baby, saw disaster looming.

I was 3 steps away and trying to help, although there is no way I could have stopped the force of her hulking flesh. But my hands were extended and I can only assume I would have dived under the pile-driver to provide some cushion for the baby sandwich.

Somehow, at the last moment, with the dormant maternal dexterity of a walrus, and the grace of an NFL lineman, she stutter stepped her sturdy legs underneath the load.

We all stood there in silence, taking an instinctual moment to shield the child like a herd on the Serengeti. Slowly the infant sensed that it had been in danger and started crying. That’s when I kept moving.

I guess the lesson learned is that perhaps large people shouldn’t strap babies to their front side? Perhaps dog shit isn’t the only reason to keep your eyes on the sidewalks at all times. Perhaps I should wear a hat or only walk around at night after a haircut to protect women and children.

In related news, on Tuesday I go back to the day job, my screenplay is almost done, and the summer is almost over and it’s almost horrible that I’ll be back in the office – but I’m almost out of discretionary funds.